I’ve talked about meditating in a previous post, but I want to talk about my progression and so far I’ve learned that meditation is for the open minded. This is something I have learned in my search for a stable inner-peace in my life and I have to say that I have found it to be working much better than I expected. I’m surprised to find it working so well because I did have my doubts. I have struggled with sleeping through the night for a long time and Starbucks offers Headspace, as previously mentioned, and I started using it specifically for sleep. The first few nights didn’t produce much fruit, but the past few nights have been wonderful. I’ve slept all the way to my alarm which is something I am definitely not used to. The best thing about this app is that even if I do end up waking up in the middle of the night, there is a wind down meditation that is designed to help you fall back to sleep. It is the best feeling in the world to have help falling back to sleep when the mind is running and keeping you from doing so.
During the day there are meditations that are designed to relieve stress and anxiety and, though I have’t used the app much during the day, the times I have have been really nice. The meditations have helped me relax during the day so I don’t get so stressed so easily. I have issues with becoming angry at small things that I do like messing up at work or hurting myself like bumping my head, stubbing my toe, etc. These meditations have helped with dealing with these issues. It has helped to cope with my loneliness and depression more than I ever thought it could. I highly recommend meditating if you suffer from any of the issues mentioned above.
I write to help with these issues as well. Writing is a form of meditation in and of itself regardless if people read it or not. I like the idea of people reading as it helps me cope with being alone, but at the same time it feels good just to write things down. I’ve never seen myself as an excellent writer so I can understand why people wouldn’t want to read this silly blog.
I’ve dealt with loneliness for a long time and it is hard to see how it would get any easier. Every time I am alone, I start thinking about how terrible everything is and all I want to do is be around people so I can escape it. I find myself looking for a female companion that can help me find peace even though I know that wouldn’t solve any of my issues. I always hear that to find peace through another person, first you must find peace with yourself. The idea has always sounded ridiculous to me, but it doesn’t really matter because it is as if the universe refuses to let me find happiness through another person. Every time a woman comes in to my life they leave just as quickly. Some have completely disappeared and others have told me their reasoning. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for anyone, but deep down I know it’s not true. There is so much beauty in people that I’ve allowed it to blind me from the beauty of life. Of all the places I want to travel, I end up travelling where I have friends. To me, being with someone adds to any adventure I take. When I went to Minnesota I met with my friend Samantha and she showed me around the city and even a little of the state. We went to Lake Superior and got high on a rock next to the vast ocean-like terrain. We went and saw waterfalls and stayed in a tent for a couple nights. We kicked back and vibed for a whole week and it was so much fun. I wouldn’t trade those days for anything and all I’ve wanted to do since I left is to go back. The adventure was great, but Sam’s presence made it even better.
In order to help me in my process I plan to make a huge move. In July, when I finish my second semester in grad school, I plan to move to Portland, Maine for ten months. I want to experience the Northeast and see what life is like up there. I’ll look for teaching jobs, but my fall back will be Starbucks and maybe even Books a Million if I need two jobs to live comfortably. I know I’ll be alone and scared for a little bit, but my hope is that I’ll make friends fairly quickly and find comfort in the new area. If anybody who reads this lives up there, maybe we can be friends. Who knows?
It’s a terrifying thought. Moving somewhere you’ve never been just to see if life offers a positive change or a negative. I want to fall in love and I’m willing to give up everything on a chance that it may or may not happen. I’m not banking on it, but I have hopes. That isn’t the only reason I’m moving, of course. I’m also moving for a new experience. I’ve lived in my current city for my whole life and I just want to escape even if it’s for a little while. I feel like no one wants me here. Every friend group I’m apart of (which isn’t many) has someone who dislikes me for some reason or another. I did dumb shit during college, but even recently I’ve accidentally done things that people, in my opinion, have over reacted and just decided I was a bad person as a result. I don’t care for people who dislike other people for practically no reason. Apparently I have a lifestyle that some people just can’t deal with, but what that lifestyle is I have no idea. Maybe I really am a bad person.
My dad’s birthday is today. I sure do miss him…
Life Unboxxed 