I decided to write this blog because I have gone through a lot of changes and this will help to put it all on a page. I hope this just adds on to the benefits that I’ve already added to my life. So currently I am sitting in Starbucks on a rainy Tuesday before I have to go teach at the private school I work for. I’m listening to LoFi and drinking an iced caramel macchiato made with coconut milk and extra caramel drizzle. Yes, I am a basic bitch. The people working today or Miranda, Brenda, KG, Jordan, Evan, Robbie, Schylar, Denise, Cory (store manager) and Kaylee. I write this so I don’t forget the names of these people. Kaylee, Schylar, Brenda, Evan, and Jordan will be among the most memorable. No one will ever forget Denise.
Anyways, so I’ve made changes to my life. Working for Starbucks comes with the benefit of mental health and allows us to have the paid subscription of Headspace for free. Headspace, for those who don’t know, is a meditation app designed to help you fell less stressed, promote sleep, and keep you relaxed throughout the day among other things. So far, I’ve used it everyday since I’ve downloaded it and, though the changes have been minimal, there have been changes nonetheless. I’ve also started following the philosophical life of stoicism. Stoicism is a 2,000 year old philosophy geared towards living the good life through releasing control of things that are out of your control and working to steer the things you can control in a more comfortable direction. Both of these changes (Headspace, Stoicism) have helped a lot in regards to my mental health. I’ve been so worried about finding a wife that I’ve forgotten to live my life. I need to learn to find joy in solitude. I’m tired of being sad all the time working to get over a woman that I should have gotten over years ago. It’s time to become myself again and stop being so anxious. Of course, saying it is easy, living it is a bit different, though not very difficult.
I met a woman last week. For confidential purposes I will just call her A. Things seemed to be going pretty well with texting, snapping and the occasional phone call. We even hung out once going to Enoch’s (local pub) for the Tuesday night 2-for-1 burgers. I thought we had a really good time and so it seemed because we continued to talk for the next several days. Well, on Saturday it was my niece’s 4th birthday and A seemed to be in a good mood while texting me. We texted back and forth until I was distracted by my family and didn’t text her for a few minutes. I haven’t heard from her since. Now, I am not upset at all about this. I’ve known her for a week and she can make whatever decisions she wants. She is a grown woman and if she doesn’t have feelings for me then so be it. That’s perfectly okay. I am, however, very worried about her. She hasn’t checked my last snap nor has she made any move on social media. She wasn’t very active on social media in the first place, but regardless she up and disappeared. Maybe this is her way of ghosting. I’ve been ghosted plenty of times, but I guess, to me, this has been the weirdest case yet because of how happy she was before vanishing. I hope she is okay and this is just a ghost. My main source for being worried is her ex, according to her, is an aggressive narcissist who abused her and told her he would kill her dogs if she ever left him. That kind of talk leads me to believe that maybe he hurt her. Now, you are probably thinking, why not do a drive-by at her house. Just see if her car is in the driveway and the dogs in the backyard. It may be creepy, but hey..your mind will be at rest. The issue there is that she lives in a city 45 minutes northwest of my hometown in the middle of the woods. I have absolutely no clue were her house is, again we have only been talking for a week. Maybe I am way overthinking this and she just ghosted me and to that, I say you are probably right and I just need to take a chill pill. I haven’t tried to contact her today and I don’t think I will try again. If anything is wrong, her family is responsible for stuff like that. It sounds shitty, but it’s realistic.
She sure is pretty though. A red headed woman of 22, she is a traveler in every sense of the word. She travels all over the world by herself and blogs about it in her personal wordpress blog. (travelingyak.wordpress.com) You can read up on her adventures and also see what I missed out on. How sad it is and usually I would be in a distraught mood, but lately I have been in a state of calm and understanding. Being stoic has taught me that I shouldn’t worry about this because it is out of my control. I should be grateful because I have two jobs, a car, a home, running water, clean clothes, a full belly, family and friends who love me, and I’m in school for my masters in music ed that I am paying for with my own money. I have the freedom to travel all over this country and do whatever I want to do. I am alive and healthy and to have all this is enough to keep me grounded. A was just a missed opportunity and I hope she is finding happiness where ever she may be. She leaves for Beijing in March for another trip so for those who went over to her blog, be prepared for an awesome update.
Writing is freeing your thoughts from the cage that is your mind. Everything written is an imprint from your mind to your fingertips to the page. Talking is different because you release your mind into the air for people to forget, especially yourself. It is the unfiltered part of your brain that releases everything. Writing is the released of well thought out words that have been harbored in the mind. Ideas anxious to be let go with compassion. To write is to think, feel, and execute. That is how I feel while I’m writing this blog. If you were to talk to me, I feel like I would sound completely different because I have a hard time thinking before I speak. While I write, though, I have time to think about it and feel it before I let it go. For those who would like to write a blog, but are too worried that you may not be good at it or you’re embarrassed that other people will judge you for what you write, just do it. You can’t control what other people think of you no matter how hard you try. People will judge either because they just do not like you, or they are envious of you. Don’t get caught up on the latter though. I believe it is sometimes good to believe that people just genuinely may not like you and that’s okay. This teaches me to be humble and understand that I am not perfect and there is nothing anyone can do to make the whole world like them. You will have lovers and haters. It is natural and you shouldn’t waste negative thoughts on these ideas. As long as you live a good life in your mind, then there is no reason to worry about how other people feel about that. Just be comfortable in your own skin.
For my first blog this was really long. I don’t honestly expect anyone to read it, but if you’ve gotten this far then I want to personally thank you. If you disagree with me then tell me so. I love being social regardless if it because you like what I say or dislike it. Either way, I am hear to read your words and understand your ideas. If you have malice intentions, then write them as mean as you can and I will understand. No one likes to waste them time reading stuff they deem bullshit. Either way, I will thank you for taking the time out of your day to read my words.
Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
-Marcus Aurelius
Life Unboxxed 